The End...

Josh and I did have that discussion. He said that he was NOT taking Bambi with him when he moved. I felt a lot better about that. We had a long talk and things continued between us.

However, this weekend that all changed.

On Sunday, I told Josh about our plans to move to Florida. He asked when we were moving and I told him as soon as possible.

Monday, we had plans to go to a barbecue at my neighbor's house, a mutual friend of ours, for dinner. At about 1:30, Josh said he was going to go to meet his friend and his friend's girlfriend in order to "help" out this girlfriend (she has a violent ex that has been harassing them lately). I reminded him about the barbecue and he said that he would be back.

Needless to say, I was a bit hurt that he went with his friend knowing full well that we wouldn't be around in another week. But his friend needed him, or so he says.

Anyway, I sent him a text message at 5:30 reminding him of the barbecue. No response. I called him at 6:00 and again at 6:30, finally getting through. He said that he was on his way. At 7:30, there was still no sign of him. I completley lost it, crying. I was so hurt by now that it was painful to breathe. Being no good to anyone, I left my neighbor's house and went home. I sent Josh a text message:

Don't bother now. It's fucking 7:30. Why would you even bother to tell me that you were coming back when you KNOW that when you're with *****, he takes presidence?

Know what he said, 45 minutes later? "Ok, you got it."

This was my response:

Not even a "sorry" or anything? Dammit, I am so tired of being LAST on your list. You can hang out with ****** and his girlfriend, but I can't come along? Why, because you're ashamed of me? Fuck that! I may live in a trailer, but I don't treat people like shit. Enjoy your lonely bachelor pad. Have a nice life. The sad part is, I fucking cared about you a lot. You're an asshole. I hope you don't treat any other women the way you've treated me.

Ten minutes later, he showed up at my door. Apparently, while I was responding to him, he was already at my neighbor's house. He went outside and showed me which cans and bottles NY will accept for recycling and pay $0.05 per can/bottle. He then helped me for about ten minutes, then said, "We can continue this all night and smell like beer and garbage or I can just write you a check." I told him I don't want his money. He said, "Fine" and helped me for about an hour. Then he went back to my house, got some of his things and left.

I emailed him yesterday, reminding him that he's still got some things here. He said that he will pick them up before I move.

Does he not understand? I DON'T WANT HIS FUCKING MONEY! I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! It has been long enough. I want to move forward, get a place together, etc. But clearly that's not what he wants.

I sent him this after our brief exchange about him getting his things.

You said you didn't know what I wanted. Well, here it is. I wanted consideration without taking for granted that I'd just be there whenever you wanted me to. I took good care of you because dammit I fucking loved you. I loved spending time with you. I loved talking with you. I love the fact that the kids got along with you so well.

But I didn't like being last on the list. Everyone else came first. You'd rather go out with your friends than spend time with me DOING something. Over the last few months, it turned into you just coming here to eat, sleep and watch tv. I didn't want your money. I wanted your fucking TIME.

I'll make sure your things are outside when you get here. I don't think I can handle seeing you again.


I am completely heartbroken. The thing is, I let him into my head and my heart. I repainted and rearranged my bedroom while he was away at training so he would like it. I took good care of him, only to be pushed aside for friends.

Don't get me wrong - everyone has friends and needs to spend time with them. But I would have thought that after finding out we were leaving for good, he would have wanted to spend time with me. I was wrong.