~double sigh~

Josh moved on rather quickly. He responded to my friend's nsa ad on Craigslist.

~Sigh~

Why is it that when your head knows in no uncertain terms that your decision was the right one, your heart still refuses to listen?

The End...

Josh and I did have that discussion. He said that he was NOT taking Bambi with him when he moved. I felt a lot better about that. We had a long talk and things continued between us.

However, this weekend that all changed.

On Sunday, I told Josh about our plans to move to Florida. He asked when we were moving and I told him as soon as possible.

Monday, we had plans to go to a barbecue at my neighbor's house, a mutual friend of ours, for dinner. At about 1:30, Josh said he was going to go to meet his friend and his friend's girlfriend in order to "help" out this girlfriend (she has a violent ex that has been harassing them lately). I reminded him about the barbecue and he said that he would be back.

Needless to say, I was a bit hurt that he went with his friend knowing full well that we wouldn't be around in another week. But his friend needed him, or so he says.

Anyway, I sent him a text message at 5:30 reminding him of the barbecue. No response. I called him at 6:00 and again at 6:30, finally getting through. He said that he was on his way. At 7:30, there was still no sign of him. I completley lost it, crying. I was so hurt by now that it was painful to breathe. Being no good to anyone, I left my neighbor's house and went home. I sent Josh a text message:

Don't bother now. It's fucking 7:30. Why would you even bother to tell me that you were coming back when you KNOW that when you're with *****, he takes presidence?

Know what he said, 45 minutes later? "Ok, you got it."

This was my response:

Not even a "sorry" or anything? Dammit, I am so tired of being LAST on your list. You can hang out with ****** and his girlfriend, but I can't come along? Why, because you're ashamed of me? Fuck that! I may live in a trailer, but I don't treat people like shit. Enjoy your lonely bachelor pad. Have a nice life. The sad part is, I fucking cared about you a lot. You're an asshole. I hope you don't treat any other women the way you've treated me.

Ten minutes later, he showed up at my door. Apparently, while I was responding to him, he was already at my neighbor's house. He went outside and showed me which cans and bottles NY will accept for recycling and pay $0.05 per can/bottle. He then helped me for about ten minutes, then said, "We can continue this all night and smell like beer and garbage or I can just write you a check." I told him I don't want his money. He said, "Fine" and helped me for about an hour. Then he went back to my house, got some of his things and left.

I emailed him yesterday, reminding him that he's still got some things here. He said that he will pick them up before I move.

Does he not understand? I DON'T WANT HIS FUCKING MONEY! I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! It has been long enough. I want to move forward, get a place together, etc. But clearly that's not what he wants.

I sent him this after our brief exchange about him getting his things.

You said you didn't know what I wanted. Well, here it is. I wanted consideration without taking for granted that I'd just be there whenever you wanted me to. I took good care of you because dammit I fucking loved you. I loved spending time with you. I loved talking with you. I love the fact that the kids got along with you so well.

But I didn't like being last on the list. Everyone else came first. You'd rather go out with your friends than spend time with me DOING something. Over the last few months, it turned into you just coming here to eat, sleep and watch tv. I didn't want your money. I wanted your fucking TIME.

I'll make sure your things are outside when you get here. I don't think I can handle seeing you again.


I am completely heartbroken. The thing is, I let him into my head and my heart. I repainted and rearranged my bedroom while he was away at training so he would like it. I took good care of him, only to be pushed aside for friends.

Don't get me wrong - everyone has friends and needs to spend time with them. But I would have thought that after finding out we were leaving for good, he would have wanted to spend time with me. I was wrong.

Various

I know it's been a while since I last posted. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say. I have. I don't know exactly why I haven't posted.

Anyway, on to the updates.

My older son takes his driver's test for his license on Thursday. He is really excited. I wish I could get him a beater car to drive around.

My little guy is doing a little better. He's still a sweetie. He still has bad moods, but nothing like what happened at school that one day.

My landlord has sent a request to the Sheriff's office for a warrant of removal. The warrant should be posted within the next few days. At that time, I can request an extension from the court. From what I am told, they will grant a one week extension.

Unfortunately, none of the non-profit organizations have any funding for rental assistance. I have taken to getting cans and bottles for recycling. I need 40,000 cans and bottles, which equates to approximately 40 bags, in order to stay in our home. So far, I have six filled.

I do have another option. A very kind, sweet woman has offered to rent her mobile home to me. The home is in Ocala, FL, which is 1,000 miles away. I may very well take her up on her offer. It means taking both of the kids out of school (little guy will have a MAJORLY tough time with the transition and older guy will have to take his senior year of high school in a strange place) but it's something where the three of us can stay together. And it's a new opportunity for all of us. A fresh start.

Right now, either the cans and bottles will pay for us to stay in our home or they will pay for our trip to Florida. This all depends on who can work faster - the Sheriff's office or me.

Deeply Disturbed

Today, my nine year old son tried to kill himself at school by shoving a pencil into his neck. Fortunately, the teacher was right next to him and wrestled the pencil out of his hands.

While he is physically safe, it is clear that emotionally he has a problem.

We just got back from a mental health evaluation. They are recommending an intense course of therapy from 9:30 AM until 3:30 PM daily. I have to call them in the morning.

I need help. With everything going on, I can't do it alone anymore. But it seems that any time I reach out for assistance, I get knocked on my ass for "being weak".

My Sweet Little Guy

My little one has been saving up his allowance to buy a Mother's Day present for me. That child just makes my heart swell.

He got off the school bus today and ran into our home, yelling "Whose your mama?" I laughed and grabbed him. He gave me this beautiful card that he made at school today. It has tissue paper flowers on it and he wrote:

Happy Mother's Day from your #1 fan/son {insert full name here}

On the inside, he wrote:

You are the very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very BEST mom in the whole world!

Now, this is special to me for a few reasons. As we all know, the best gifts are the ones that your kids make for you. They are filled with love.

However, my little guy also has Asperger's. His small motor skills are not very good at all. He has physical therapy twice a week to help him. His classification also means that he doesn't have to write his assignments in class; he uses a computer to type everything. For him to write so much to fill up an entire card, both on the outside AND on the inside, just made me melt.

I've got this beautiful card on my nightstand where I can see it every night before bed and every morning upon waking.

Oh, and he gave me a blueberry bush because that's his favorite fruit. We're going to plant it together on Sunday.

Continuing Saga

Mr. Marich did call me back yesterday. He stated that he reviewed the case and determined that it was a Division error and could move this into that category. What that means is that instead of having my entire unemployment benefit check withheld until the overpayment is refunded, they will withhold HALF of the check. So, now my children and I get to try to live on less than $1,000 per month for two months.

The BEST part? I just got a notice in the mail from the Division of Unemployment. It seems that if I was NOT on unemployment, they would work out a payment arrangement of $69 per month. Does this make any sense?????

We'll be living in my car within two weeks. See you at the soup kitchen!